When It Rains It Pours... er I Mean...

So, you can probably guess, if 10 chickens, or for that matter 30 chickens, weren't enough then surely one horse was not enough. Today we welcomed Stormy the miniature Appaloosa gelding to our farm.

He is only 2 years old, silvery gray and he and Sugar have quickly become the best of friends. When they first met through the fence, Sugar came running up, whinnied a loud hello and stamped her foot as any independent, spirited woman would. This was the most movement we've seen from Sugar since we got her. Then she sprinted over to the gate where we were leading Stormy in, they both whinnied a lot, danced around some, and then that was it. They were friends. I expected some bickering as they adjusted to each other but there wasn't any. Both are mild mannered and they don't wander more than 5 feet from each other now. I'll have to post another picture later, it was getting dark and that's the best I can do.

Now the work begins. We need to train them to our voice commands, the saddle, and eventually to a cart. Sugar has some experience with the saddle and riders and she's working on obeying voice commands but Stormy has very little experience with any of it. By the way, when I say "we" need to start training, you know of course I mean Andrew. After all this is his venture, I just get the joy of blogging about it.

And that's not all...

We also opened the front pasture up to 6 male alpacas. It's a win-win situation as we've been wondering how we were going to maintain the field and the owners of the alpacas needed extra grazing room for the herd. It's also another opportunity to bring in a little income and get familiar with the animals without the investment of actually buying some.

Josiah and Mia got to hold the lead on two of them but both dropped the ropes when they pulled too hard. Alpacas are stronger than they look and of course they were nervous in the new environment. Unfortunately they could only catch one right away and the other ran off with his lead dragging behind him. They were all in the field, but we didn't want the lead to get him caught up in anything. So, if you're wondering, catching an alpaca isn't easy. Especially when it's their first time in a new field and they've just gotten out of a trailer. Thankfully for me, Sierra needed to go down for a nap at the same time, so I got to watch the comedy unfold from the warmth and vantage point of the house. The couple that brought them over, Andrew, Josiah and Mia were all waving their hands, arms outstretched, forming a semi circle trying to corner them on one end of the field. Those wiley alpacas though, they managed to bob and weave and work their way out of the little trap.

Pacas 1, humans 0.

They tried again, this time with all the leads they had removed from the other alpacas tied into one long rope. The alpacas saw that coming and ran all the way around to the other side of the field.

Pacas 2, humans 0.

Finally, with the extra leverage of a tree in the corner and the extension of a long branch cutting off the get away angle, they got them cornered and were able to grab the lead. Phew!

Game over. Humans win 3-2 with that last second 3 point play! It was great fun to watch!! I was thinking that I actually should have joined in, perhaps that would have sent me into labor. Oh, there's still plenty of time to chase them around.

To top it all off. Josiah found another garter snake, only this one is a lot smaller. He named him Carter. We're keeping him outside in the same little tub we used before. Hopefully he'll last longer than the other one. I'm wondering if a raccoon or some other predator got the last one. Poor thing.

From Ahh! to Aghhh!!! in just 5 Minutes!

This past weekend I had the privilege of joining three wonderful women on a weekend getaway to the coast! It was refreshing. We left Friday afternoon, enjoyed dinner out and catching up, spent all day Saturday at the spa...

...dined in (thank you Jennie!!), and watched all of Pride and Prejudice (yes, the 6 hour awesome version).

I was so blessed by our time together, body and soul breathed "Ahhh" as I headed home.

Then I got home.

The van was gone so I knew everyone was out on some adventure. After all, isn't that what weekends with dad are all about? I knew that while I was gone, Andrew was going to pick up 5 more hens and might consider the rooster that the seller wanted to include in the sale. I also knew this would bring our chicken count up to around 30 and I knew that 30 chickens would look like a lot more than our original 8. But, as I looked around the property something just didn't look right. We had some chickens in the front yard, usually they stay in the back. I thought maybe this was what was throwing me off. But, no, there was something else. I could see some chickens in the backyard, too, and somehow it all just looked like... more.

I called Andrew to let him know several chickens were out in the front yard. You see I'm just not in a state to be running around rounding up chickens and we want them to stay in one central area so we can contain their laying areas and keep them all accounted for. He sounded strange on the phone, like he was waiting for something. He said he was sorry he wasn't home because he wanted to be there when I met the new chickens. What an odd comment I thought.

So, I decided I needed to investigate. I made my way through the barn and saw a couple of baskets hanging on the stall door. "Why would Andrew be decorating with my baskets?" I thought. Oh, maybe it was the girls who did that. I decided to dismiss that. Then I noticed that there was an entire horse stall filled with perches and straw. To my delight there were two eggs in the trough so I grabbed them and continued outside. This is when my, "Ahh!" changed to an "Aghhh!!!!" As far as the eye can see there were chickens... everywhere. I took a little video of my discovery. Please excuse the spacey sounding commentary. I was in shock.



So needless to say, when I left for my weekend getaway we had just finished collecting our first dozen large eggs and a half dozen bantam eggs which we plan to incubate. When I got out of the barn that afternoon I already had 8 eggs in my basket and we found more that night. Our flock is now up to 81 chickens!

I guess we're officially in the egg business. Thankfully that last big purchase included tons of egg cartons so we really are all set. Another thing I'm thankful for... Andrew found an article that said that a chicken community shouldn't be more than 80 as they can't remember more than that many fellow feathered friends and it will cause disruption in the flock. So, phew, I guess we're set.

Busy, busy, busy

We've moved into the rental house and are wrapping up the final details with the old place. It's always great closure for me to clean the house we are leaving. It gives me time to reflect and say goodbye. It was nice this time to get to do so without the kids. Thank you Grandpa Davis! While I cleaned I considered where we've come from these past 3 years, how the kids have grown up and we've all just grown, the things we've endured, and the way we've been changed. It was sure a blessing, even through some of those outrageous trials. I took some pictures of how we'll be leaving it and I'm looking forward to seeing the planned remodeling of the new buyer.

As we move on, unpacking box after box at this new place and we're actually beginning to get settled in, I'm amazed at how God has blessed us in this home. So many details are a perfect fit for our family, more than I ever realized when we first decided to move here. Praise the Lord for his kindness to us.

We've already had a chance to host a few people over night. I love it! First, Andrew's parents came down to help us with the settling and to bring a few more things down from Spokane. They are always so helpful and even in the midst of all the turmoil and chaos of moving and the first days of settling, they were flexible as always. It was a nice shot in the arm to keep us going strong.

Then my Aunt Marcia and cousin Katie came through just briefly. I was so glad we had beds for them to stay in thanks to some kind "donations" from friends and family. It was fun to hang out and catch up with them. Those times always go too fast and I'm thrilled that we had a place for them to stay a while.

I am tired now, but it is that good tired from efforts put toward worthwhile things, not like when you stay up too late watching mind numbing TV or surfing aimlessly on the internet. It's not like when you're pulled from obligation to obligation or are exhausted from overcommitment or imposed deadlines. It's that healthy tired of personal choice and good strong effort, of time spent with valuable people and working on projects and actually accomplishing something. Needless to say, I did stock up on those bottles of Starbucks mochas... just in case.

We keep praying for how God may want to use this house and specifically the basement portion, as it is really a finished, and now furnished, studio apartment. In the meantime we're thrilled to have something to offer people for overnight stays. The views from the house are peaceful and the layout of the house accommodating. We have a good size kitchen with a view, 3 larger bedrooms, a nice living room, also with the view and a space behind the couch that will be used as a play area. There's also an office/homeschooling room, still with that view, and it has plenty of outside room to roam, and a barn for who knows what! On top of all that the commute really is convenient. God, you think of everything!

Well, I'm too tired to catch you up on much and I feel like what I am saying is becoming rambling, half thoughts. I do want to say thanks so much to those that helped us move and those that encouraged us or have been praying us through all this.

God you are so good! Through all the bad times and in these good times you are the same, may my faith and hope remain as steady.

Humbled, Once Again

Ahem. It is through swallowed pride that I must tell you of the blessing I received last night through tears and embittered spirit. Andrew was perusing Craig's List for rental ideas. This made me mad enough as I had already done that and emailed him the ones that I even considered viable options. I "knew" he'd find the worst possible one and insist we move there. Jokingly he said, "Here's one!" (I think he really was joking at first). When I looked at it I was amazed. First of all, it hadn't been there just hours before when I looked. Then, it was within a price range I know we can afford. It was twice the size of our house, not too far a commute (everything seems long once you've lived 2 minutes from work), and even had acreage. I insisted we look at it immediately because I still believed it would be a wreck or something terrible. On a whim we drove the family out to check it out. Immediately we both agreed it would work great. There was plenty of great places to home school and deliver a baby. It was a great space for the kids. We could afford it.
I don't know if our house will really be sold. Until it's a done deal, it's just not a done deal. I don't know if this is the property we're to live at temporarily. But, I do know God showed me that I can settle down and trust him for the other side of this. Enjoying the journey?? Ya, I gotta work on that.

My Encouragement Today

Last night Andrew worked late, really late, so late that it was actually early. I hate those days when I'm anticipating "relief", a change of face for the kids, and someone else to help carry the home load. I wanted to feel bitter since I'd not only been with the kids all day, I'd been in the intensity of teaching them all day. I decided instead that this was a special time with the kids and I wanted to make the most of it. We made it through dinner and headed up for an early preparation for bed then I read several extra books before tucking everyone in for the night. I love when we're reading books. Everyone is so quite and focused. We're sitting close and I think the best part is nobody is thinking about themselves and the injustices their experiencing, their thinking about the books. Anyway, it went well and I was so glad. When I finally went to bed though I was thinking about this particular moment in my life and all the newness of home schooling and the fact that we got an offer on the house last night (though it's one we're not accepting, we will counter it and you never know) and I was contrasting that to the intensity of our lives just a few months ago with all the unknowns and possible huge life changes. During that time it seemed that God just whispered in my ear and that everywhere I turned I was keenly aware of his presence. These days, he seems more distant. I even hear myself checking, "God... are you still there? Do you really have a plan for us?" Thankfully, years ago in a women's group that has eternally blessed me, I learned that God never changes, he is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow. I will have changing emotions and feelings but that doesn't change the truth of who God is. I feel like bread dough that has come through some intense kneading but is now being left to rise. I feel the little yeast buggies doing their job but it's a really slow process and if you're watching it, it doesn't look like much is happening. So, those were my comforting thoughts last night and this morning's devotional was encouragement to take things one step further and fully enter into the peace that God offers. I LOVE WHEN I GET JUST THE ENCOURAGEMENT I NEED AND IT NEVER FAILS THAT IT IS THERE WHEN I SEEK IT. Thank you Lord for this from Proverbs 31 Ministries:

A favorite Bible passage of mine is in Ezekiel 47 where the prophet
experiences a vision of God’s temple. He is shown the Temple by a heavenly host
– perhaps an angel, or perhaps even Christ Himself. Out of this Temple, past
it’s altar, flowed a stream of water that became a massive river. Read for
yourself Ezekiel’s experience there:

“Then the man brought me back to the
entrance of the Temple. There I saw a stream flowing eastward from beneath the
Temple threshold. This stream then passed to the right of the altar on its south
side. The man brought me outside the wall through the north gateway and led me
around to the eastern entrance. There I could see the stream flowing out through
the south side of the east gateway.
Measuring as he went, he led me
along the stream for 1,750 feet and told me to go across. At that point the
water was up to my ankles. He measured off another 1,750 feet and told me
to go across again. This time the water was up to my knees. After another 1,750
feet, it was up to my waist. Then he measured another 1,750 feet, and the
river was too deep to cross without swimming.
He told me to keep in
mind what I had seen; then he led me back along the riverbank. Suddenly, to
my surprise, many trees were now growing on both sides of the river! Then he
said to me, ‘This river flows east through the desert into the Jordan Valley,
where it enters the Dead Sea. The waters of this stream will heal the salty
waters of the Dead Sea and make them fresh and pure. Everything that touches the
water of this river will live. Fish will abound in the Dead Sea, for its waters
will be healed. Wherever this water flows, everything will live.’” (Ezekiel
47:1-9, NLT)

Are you feeling overwhelmed with problems, projects or decisions
today? Are you feeling mentally drained, physically spent, or spiritually numb?
Take a dip with me into the river of God, the river of healing, and be awakened
to life in God. Let this living water flow over, into, and through you today –
for wherever this water flows, everything will live.

Dear Lord,
forgive me of my sins and plunge me deep into Your river! This is where I
want to be. Cover me, wash me, cleanse me, heal me, and purify me. Make me
spiritually alive and in tune with You today. In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.

Related Resources:
Do You
Know Him?

Try a Girlfriends
Get-A-Way Cruise with members of P31 Ministries

Visit Rachel Olsen’s
blog

God’s
Purpose for Every Woman: A P31 Devotional Gen Eds. Lysa TerKeurst &
Rachel Olsen

Application Steps:
Spend a few minutes in
prayer, imagining yourself walking into the river of God. Feel the presence of
God wash over you as you turn your heart towards Him and receive cleansing from
His living water.

Plan a trip to a local swimming spot and get some
exercise as you contemplate living water. Invite a friend to come along, and
tell them about the river of God described in Ezekiel
47.

Reflections:
Have I touched this river of life?
Everything that touches it will live (vs. 9).

Have I gone beyond
sticking my toes in – have I walked in far enough to be
submerged?

Power Verses:
Revelation 22:1-2, “And the angel
showed me a pure river with the water of life, clear as crystal, flowing from
the throne of God and of the Lamb, coursing down the center of main street. On
each side of the river grew a tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, with
a fresh crop each month. The leaves were used for medicine to heal the nations.”
(NLT)

First Day of Homeschool

Well, we made our way through the first day of school. Despite not having all my materials for either curriculum I think I was able to make it work well enough. The hurdles I anticipated did arise, like what do I do to occupy Sierra most of the time and Mia some of the time? I think I will learn some techniques as I go and considering we had a long (too long) day at the State Fair yesterday and everybody is tired, I think things will get better from here.

I definitely enjoy the times that have more flexible, child driven learning but I know that I have the important job of training up these students in the way they should go and that includes learning to focus through harder tasks and persevere through the end.

I am anxiously awaiting my Amazon shipments and the fulfillment of the ABeka order though, since those last tools will allow me to teach through the whole day rather than having to skip some parts. Part of me thinks I should have just waited until I get everything in first to begin but part of me thinks that just diving in will allow me to start figuring this thing out. I just hope that while I'm doing my figuring, I don't lose the kids enthusiasm.

Anyway, it's my break time but I just had to share that we survived the first day and the good news is that it can only get better from here!!

Lessons on Faith from a Prostitute???

This summer I'm reading through Francine Rivers' novellas on some of the women in the lineage of Christ. I've finished Tamar and Rahab and have just started Ruth. This is a wonderful summer series because it's a chance to glimpse back in time and also dive deeper into some of the wonderful character qualities in some women who were used by God, even though they were imperfect women. Now I know that's encouraging to all of us! And, they're short so I can finish them in just a day or two here or there.

From Tamar I learned the awesome power of being respectful to your husband. She was a beautiful example of keeping her mouth shut at the appropriate time, yet taking action when it was needed. She could have humiliated Judah for his betrayal of her but instead she kept her eye on the end result. She lost many battles along the way, but she definitely won the war. You see, humiliating Judah would have meant bringing herself down in the long run. She might have gotten short term satisfaction but she still wouldn't get what she wanted long term. The respect I give my husband to his face creates an environment that is more loving for me. The respect I give my husband behind his back makes me look really smart for the man I chose. Proverbs 31:23 says, "Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land." How can he be respected if his wife has so many negative things to say about him? A good lesson to tame my tongue when I'm frustrated or hurt and to go to the source when there's a problem rather than allow myself to vent to everyone else.

In the second book, I love the perspective the author has on Rahab. We are given the chance to consider how prostitution might have become her profession in the first place and why God might have chosen to save her, not only from prostitution but also from hopeless pagan life. With so little support, she trusted God completely based on the obvious power she had heard about. She recognized the pagan idols for what they were: wood, clay, and old bones. I've always thought about Joshua and the Israelites crossing the Jordon, circling Jericho, and honoring their word to Rahab, from Joshua's perspective but given my circumstances it was a great glimpse at how Rahab might have perceived things. She's waiting to be rescued from certain destruction. She sees them coming. Then they stop. Then a few days later they come again, but do they take the city? No! They circle it and leave. Then again. And again. Day after day, for 6 days, and on the 7th day, finally, it happens! After circling the city seven times, the walls come a crumblin' down! I'm sure she was excited each day thinking, "Perhaps today is the day I'm out of here!" She's also got to be bitterly disappointed each day as she sees them leave again. I can relate to that cycle. Despite the confusion, she keeps the faith. I was inspired by her.

I think the author hits the nail on the head when she describes each woman with one word: Tamar, a woman of hope, Rahab, a woman of faith. As I said, I've just started Ruth, and she's described as woman of love. After Ruth, is Bathsheba who received unlimited grace, and then Mary the mother of Jesus, a woman of obedience. Francine Rivers also did a series on some of the heroes in the Bible: Aaron (Moses' brother), Caleb, Jonathon (David's best friend), Amos, and Silas. Really I haven't read one of her books that I didn't like so I think I'll enjoy those, too. In her novel Redeeming Love, the story of Hosea, you can read the author's testimony in the back.

Happy Anniversary!

I'm so glad I married my best friend. It was my dream to do that. The timing of our relationship and marriage did not follow my detailed plan, but now I appreciate that Andrew and I jumped into adulthood together, and boy did we do it full force.

When we met in college I was 17 and he was a ripe old 19!! I was very clear that since I was playing two sports, soccer and basketball, I had no time for a boyfriend so we'd just keep our relationship on a friend level. Well, long story short, he became such a good friend that I just couldn't live without him. I loved that we had similar goals for our lives: God first, strong marriage, big family, and an open home. Originally I had planned that I would meet my future husband a few months after I graduated college and get married a couple of years after that. Hmmm things just weren't following that path. We got married after our junior year. Andrew continued playing baseball and I continued with basketball. With our combined scholarships, grants, loans and odd jobs we made through to graduation that next year! The song "Livin' On Love" was somewhat of a theme song.

6 months after graduation we bought Salem Emblem Shop. At the time we were still living in the government subsidised apartments for $220/month. After we bought the business we decided we should move up a notch and we moved into a very small duplex in Keizer. Rent was $485/month!

Shortly after that move, word came that Andrew's sister was pregnant with her third child and we knew that this would be the last one for them. We began to talk seriously about starting our own family as cousins the same age would be so fun. Sitting at a little way side in Keizer, overlooking the Willamette River, we both agreed we were ready to start having children. I was 22 and Andrew was 24. A year later we would be grieving the loss of our first child, Faith Petra Joy.

In 2000 we began construction on a 2600 sqft house in a fairly prestigious neighborhood, at least from where we'd come from. We started construction in February and completed it the week before Halloween. By then I was 5 months pregnant. Josiah was born that next February, 2001. I was 25 and Andrew was 26.

The next year we bought the building on 12th St. and moved the business. It was an exciting time and we also found out I was expecting again. Mia was born on the first day of spring, 2003. I was 27 and Andrew was 28.

Over the next two years we experienced some real hardships with the business. Money had become tighter and tighter and despite how hard Andrew worked or how tight we cinched the belt it just wasn't improving. At one point Andrew said, It's like there's a hole in the boat somewhere. I'm bailing like crazy but it's not making a difference." In order to keep from sinking he took some fairly drastic measures and let several people go from the business. I also began working for him several hours a week. It wasn't a fun time to say the least. The kids were with sitters way more than I wanted and we were living off very little money. The changes Andrew made at the business did allow us to discover what that hole in the boat was. Someone had been embezzling thousands of dollars a month for a few years. It was a relief to know that it had stopped but so disappointing to know all the hard work and sacrifice we had done went to pad someone else's wallet. Bit by bit we climbed out of that hole. It took determination and continued sacrifice. We had to say "No" to a lot of things while it seemed like everyone around us could say "Yes" to anything. During that painful time in 2005, sweet little Sierra was born and 6 weeks after that we downsized our home to a fixer-upper just blocks from the store. This would allow us to see Andrew some as he could come home for meals during his 14 hour days. He'd be up early, come home for lunch, work until dinner, play with the kids some, go back to work, work late and then come home and crash, Monday through Saturday. I was 30 and Andrew was 31.

Slowly things got better. Andrew had some time to work on our house and finish some projects. He'd take more Saturdays off and get more days where he was home for a late dinner and stayed home. It still wasn't a healthy schedule and our dream of a big family and open home seemed to be unrealistic. I was beginning to believe I should let those dreams go. For Andrew's 32nd birthday, just last year, we finally took a trip back up to his home town in NE Washington. Road trips are always great times for us to discuss our lives and goals. As we were driving back home, refreshed from the break and amazed at how "in their element" the kids were up there, we talked, pie-in-the-sky about what we could do to live there. We passed an RV park that also had some cabins and we began to talk about running something like that for a living. When we got home I decided to check on land and home prices for that area by looking up Zillow.com. Three For Sale flags popped up. One was well out of our price range but for some reason I clicked on it. What do you know, it's a camp for sale. Andrew and I chuckled at the irony. For some reason I emailed the realtor for more information and the next morning he called. "It's a Christian camp," he said. "The owners are willing to carry the loan." Extremely curious we planned another trip up north, only two weeks later. It was the weekend of Faith's birthday, so we would miss our annual hike in honor of her.

This past year has been one of renewed vision. It had been nose to the grind stone for so long that we had stopped living and were really existing. With a new goal in mind Andrew was able to begin running the business with less responsibility on him. Finally able to trust again, he could delegate much more. We have been able to remember the ways that God has gifted us and the experiences he's given us and the thrill we feel when those gifts are being used. It is so humbling to see the opportunity that Bear Paw Camp is to use both Andrew's and my strengths in serving the Lord. Our hope is that our family will be used to share the gospel of Christ with unbelievers and to encourage other Christians in their walk with Christ. We want the truth to be spoken at our camp, people to come in, as they are, and be renewed, and that they will find that the answer to their aching heart is Jesus. God has been our strength through loss, pain and struggle. We hope we can encourage others when they are at that point as well.

Even while we were dating I knew Andrew and I were complete opposites but because we had such similar long term goals I knew we were on the same path. I bought a book early on in our relationship called Opposites Attack, which was very encouraging to me that we could learn from each other and allow our differences to be used as tools to make us more balanced and well rounded. Now, 12 years down the road, I see how God uses our oppositeness like a yin and yang to accomplish his purposes. I have learned a lot from Andrew and I know he's learned from me, too. We've hurt each other and healed together, we've held each other's hands through the deepest of waters. This is a forever relationship for the glory of God.

Happy Anniversary to my best friend!

Yesterday is Behind Me

Yesterday was a day that I was filled with frustration and discouragement. I felt like we were being attacked and like our integrity was being wrongly questioned. Honestly, I felt like God had abandoned us to battle on by ourselves. Sadly, in my own desperation, I tend to turn to Andrew and demand answers and direction from him. Uh... we're in the same boat, in the same storm, it's God that holds the answers for both of us, not each other. I think I did better this time at allowing him to experience the storm without having to carry me on his back as well.

It's so odd to know the truth that we're not alone yet to feel so utterly abandoned. That's the thing about feelings though, they are easily manipulated and very untrustworthy. The truth is as solid as a rock, dependable and completely trustworthy. So, though I admit I was focusing on the storm there for a while and was feeling overwhelmed, today I am again looking into my Father's eyes as he continues to instruct me to trust him regardless of what does or doesn't happen today... or tomorrow... or even the next day. I'm very grateful for his patience and steadfastness.

I did read into the Psalms for quite a while yesterday and cried out with the Psalmist my anguish as well as my desire to experience God's closeness again and to witness his actions in regard to the sale of the business and purchase of the camp. In my emotional whirlwind I set my jaw, stamped my foot, pointed my finger, I cried, I yelled, I bought Moose Tracks ice cream, I even rebelled and watched The Bachelor on TV just to vegetate my mind. After all that I felt the Lord, as my perfect heavenly Father, take me by the shoulders, look deeply into my eyes, and with a firm voice say, "That's enough. Trust me." There's no rejection in those words, only leadership. And, I had the opportunity to respond again to him, "Yes, Lord."

Good Point!

We went out to dinner with a friend tonight and for convenience we just picked him up and rode together. As we were leaving the restaurant, Mia grabbed Daddy's hand and then grabbed our friend's hand and began to swing between them. She decided to take it one notch further and just hung, bunched up like a little hedgehog getting carried to the van. Our friend mentioned to her that she was sure getting a fun ride and then said, "Haven't you heard there's no such thing as a free ride?" "Well," she said, "You're getting a free ride from us." Hmmm, touche! Thankfully our friend has a good sense of humor and got a chuckle out of her comment, too. And, no, we didn't charge him for the ride home!!

It's funny the things that kids remember or come up with, the way that they connect the dots with their innocent logic. I love that Jesus welcomes that innocence and isn't offended by it's possible interpretations. Even more I love that he desires us to come to him that way as well; without predetermined conclusions or a perfect plan all laid out. He desires us to be real and honest and open. He saw through the Pharisees pretenses and trickery and spent no time in their spiritual games. Those that came to him openly he answered directly and blessed regardless of who they were, what they'd done or even the ugly label they might have been wearing in that society: tax collector, town slut, leaper, demon possessed. He loves us, not who we pretend to be or aspire to be, but inside who we really are. And, He wants to lead us to maturity and confidence through a real relationship with him.

"Lord, you know me, the real me, even when I try to conceal some of the ugliest parts. I'd like to come to you presentable, but that's not what you require. It's not what you desire. You desire me, all of me. Forgive me for my daily sin Jesus and thank you that you died for it already. The price has been paid! I desire to follow you and be trained by you so that I may be a blessing to other people and bring your light into the world to people who've never known the truth. When that training gets hard, when it seems unbearable, help me Lord to cling to you even tighter and to never let go and miss out on the end of the journey. And, when life here is uncomfortable, help me to praise you for the fact that I am prepared more and more for my forever home in heaven. Even as I mature, may my faith in you always be child like in the way that I trust you and in my openness with you. Lord, protect me, my family, and my friends from the false doctrine that surrounds us. It is confusing,
sometimes it even sounds like it could be right. Help us all to keep our Bibles open so that we may know the truth so intimately that we can not be fooled. Thank you for the freedom we have to read our Bibles and worship openly in Churches with other believers. In Jesus name, Amen"

In Memory of Faith

It's hard to believe that 9 years ago I was bravely proceeding through so much newness and pain. The day before I had learned that Faith did not have a heart beat and that we would begin inducing her delivery the next day. So there I was, in the hospital, filling out loads of papers, explaining over and over that the baby would be still born, arranging my recovery to be in the medical wing rather than in maternity so I wouldn't have to hear everyone else' s babies crying. All in all, I was well cared for. When the anesthesiologist came to give me an epidural he said he intended to make me as comfortable as possible, unfortunately the medication only worked on one side and one sided labor is just as bad as the full shebang! You can imagine his disappointment as he came back and had to fix things. He gave me plenty of medication after that; I couldn't feel my legs for quite some time. Then there was the nurse who didn't realize my situation. When I expressed my fear of her drawing blood she told me to be brave, that it would all be over in a little bit and soon I'd be a mommy. She ran back into the room several minutes later and embraced me and apologized for her mistake.

Andrew and my mom were with me through the whole thing, and my dad, Andrew's mom, and my brother waited all day long in the lobby of the hospital. Sadly, when it was all said and done I was almost too scared to let them come in the room, thankfully my mom helped me refocus and everyone had a chance to come in. My grandparents wanted to be there but it was too late at night, they came up first thing in the morning to visit us. It was so hard to leave the hospital with empty arms and such an empty feeling inside me where she had been for more than 9 months. It's true what they say about women who've lost babies experiencing empty arms syndrome, it is a real and painful feeling, a longing and ache. I clutched pillows and blankets and teddy bears, and eventually it subsided. It really helped me that so many people were willing to talk about Faith and our experience. I'm sure it was painful for our friends, too, but they were so open and loving. They even brought us meals and helped me with cleaning the house and other mundane things that seemed too normal for the grief I was experiencing. Their approach really helped in the healing process, it helped me regain my footing in life. Relatives and friends sent flowers and gifts, made blankets, quilts, and even purchased a star in memory of Faith. I was also blessed to meet up with a newly formed group for women who'd lost babies and walking with others who'd been down the same road was very helpful.

Just a few months after I delivered Faith I had to muster all my strength and attend the baby shower of a friend. By the end I was sad and tired. A friend ran after me as I was leaving and said she had something for me. She had made an angel night light as a gift for the new baby and had made one in memory of Faith as well. I was astounded that someone had been so thoughtful.

I look forward to entering heaven one day and, after praising and thanking my Savior, embracing my daughter and seeing her in her perfect body, healed and healthy. I don't think there will be any words, just emotions and connection and joy. At least that's how I imagine it. I remember worrying if I would forget Faith, or stop loving her as much when I had other children to care for. Nothing could be further from that. I appreciate my tears for her, 9 years later, as evidence of never ending love.

I'm so grateful that I walked though the healing process in a very healthy way. I feel like I learned as much as I could and I grew as much as I could. Looking back at myself as just 23 years old at the time, I am so proud.

To Faith:

Your beautiful, fragrant rose has bloomed again, reminding me that you are fully in your glory now, too. I can't wait to see you again, baby girl, you have my heart. I look forward to meeting you in your heavenly body and just being close to you again. Through you, your brother and sisters have an appreciation and greater understanding of heaven and death and the fact that earth is not our forever place. They know they will meet you one day. Because of you I was able to experience complete dependence on God and trust of his plan. I got to see how well he would care for me and over and over you have been a bridge that has allowed me to tell people about God's love. Happy Birthday. Love, Momma

A Year of Change

This weekend marks one year since we first toured Bear Paw Camp. Most of the pictures on the blog are from that weekend. It was beautiful and the camp was full of the leadership and counselors for the middle school camp that was coming in. It was so exciting to see all the organization unfolding into what would become a wonderful memory and potentially a life changing week for a group of middle school students. They had loads of food, boxes of sweatshirts and t-shirts, and huge smiles as they were all geared up and coming off good sleep, something I knew would change in just a few days.

I love camp for the impact it can have in such a short time. When you live with people, even for just a week, you really get to know them and it's such an opportunity to talk about important root issues. Today's young people deal with so much uncertainty, what a privilege to be able to introduce them to the certainty of salvation through Jesus Christ. I'm praying for the group this week, it's actually the same church as last year but it's their high school group this time. I'm praying that the Holy Spirit will be amongst them, that counselors and leadership will be prepared to have an answer for all the questions, hurts, or even anger that comes up for their campers. I'm also praying that in the beauty of that part of the world these young people will meet their Creator, some of them for the first time. I wish I was there to witness it and to help create that environment where it can take place. It's getting harder and harder to be patient. I definitely feel like we're missing out and I'm acutely aware of the daily financial impact that our not being there has. It's a double edged sword that cuts me on the emotional side as well as the practical side. Still, God has not changed, he will provide for us. He has not forsaken us, and we trust his plan.

In this past year, we have changed immensely. So much work has been done on the house, in the business, and on the building. I have much to be grateful for. Today I will rejoice in those things and wait for tomorrow to become today before I deal with it. Praise the Lord!!